It hurts. Hoping. And then getting crushed back down. Really bad. Like, worse that getting your wisdom teeth out times 20 million. It's one of those feelings that overwhelms and utterly consumes you to the point where you really think you can't handle it anymore. But everyone says it's all eventually going to be alright... When is alright coming?
I'm broken NOW. I'm hurting NOW. I'm in pain NOW. And nothing seems to be fixing my heart.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
I can't even breathe my nose is so stuffy from crying. My teeth are aching because I've been not taking medicine today.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
Please come. come. come. come. come. I need you. It hurts so bad.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7

Broken and Confused.

I love him. I can't get over this. When will it EVER stop hurting???????????????????? Will this tear stained face ever love again? I'm so confused with these antics. Do you even know what you are doing? Please tell me so I know what to do. Should I be there for you or forget you? Love can disappoint, but real love never fails, right?

It feels like a coursing blade down my chest, sadness trickling out ever so painfully slowly. Seeing you pushes the blade deeper. Memories and happiness that once was hits the wound and rips it back open. How will it ever heal? Dripping dripping dripping I'm not sure I'll ever be the same after this wound. It's hurts so desperately bad.
Help me Father.

I Became Unwise Today.

I got my wisdom teeth out today. They drugged me. I don't remember anything about the procedure... I was out. Not feeling good at all. It hasn't stopped bleeding for 13 hours and I've swallowed(by accident) so much blood that I threw up four times. I now have nothing in my stomach, my mouth hurts (and is bleeding), I'm on vicodin, and am super tired. B-E-A-utiful day. Just not feeling the Christmas magic this year. It is not there. Don't really mean to be a Debbie downer. :/ 

Annnyyywwwaaayyy. There are good things about all this. I had some delicious mashed potatoes earlier. Took me 4 hours but I ended up eating half the bowl. Watched Up in the Air(LAME) and Star Trek (Dad's choice). 1/2 way through an interesting book. I think it might actually help me deal with some things. I didn't realized when I checked it out, but it is almost entirely about death. It might help me cope. Life works in mysterious ways. Anways.. I'm going to try to find a way to sleep or try to sleep... read a little if sleep doesn't come.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful time with family and friends (I am) and enjoying the Christmas season. Jesus loves you.

Can it?

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Verse 2-

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

-Foo Fighters, "Everlong"

As the Broken Rise.

It finally snowed. It's absolutely beautiful. How can someone believe that an giant explosion invented the complexity of the universe. Utter nonsense. A divine being created this gorgeous world we live in and we can him God.

Have you ever been in such a state of confusion you start withdrawing from everyday life? I strive to make meaning out of my actions and words, and yet it seems I always keep falling short of my goals. Life is life, you fall short and you make up for it- but there are time in which I feel completely and utterly stuck. Everything seems hazy, confusing, uniniting. I want so much and yet I don't know what I want at all.

Could you come close and hold my heart?

Make me your own? A beautiful daughter of the most holy one? A chosen lover of Christ that doesn't let anything get in her way?

Hold me through the tears and even hold me in the joyous times?

The coming of the snow seems to have woken something in me that has gotten me thinking. A drastic change. A blast of frosty, numbing air. A passion beyond any other. Passion is the perfect word. God pour out your undeniable passion on this city, on my heart. Show me your secret place. Awaken the revolution in me. Get rid of this disgusting person that desires the things of this world and wants what society wants. Let my heart break for the things that make your heart break. Pour the love.

Let me be the one that goes to the hospital and prays for those in need.

Let me be the one that is a listening, comopassionate ear for a broken heart.

Let me be the one that carries your cross even when no one else seems to want to take the responsibility.

Here I am Lord. Choose me.