It hurts. Hoping. And then getting crushed back down. Really bad. Like, worse that getting your wisdom teeth out times 20 million. It's one of those feelings that overwhelms and utterly consumes you to the point where you really think you can't handle it anymore. But everyone says it's all eventually going to be alright... When is alright coming?
I'm broken NOW. I'm hurting NOW. I'm in pain NOW. And nothing seems to be fixing my heart.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
I can't even breathe my nose is so stuffy from crying. My teeth are aching because I've been not taking medicine today.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
Please come. come. come. come. come. I need you. It hurts so bad.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7

Broken and Confused.

I love him. I can't get over this. When will it EVER stop hurting???????????????????? Will this tear stained face ever love again? I'm so confused with these antics. Do you even know what you are doing? Please tell me so I know what to do. Should I be there for you or forget you? Love can disappoint, but real love never fails, right?

It feels like a coursing blade down my chest, sadness trickling out ever so painfully slowly. Seeing you pushes the blade deeper. Memories and happiness that once was hits the wound and rips it back open. How will it ever heal? Dripping dripping dripping I'm not sure I'll ever be the same after this wound. It's hurts so desperately bad.
Help me Father.

I Became Unwise Today.

I got my wisdom teeth out today. They drugged me. I don't remember anything about the procedure... I was out. Not feeling good at all. It hasn't stopped bleeding for 13 hours and I've swallowed(by accident) so much blood that I threw up four times. I now have nothing in my stomach, my mouth hurts (and is bleeding), I'm on vicodin, and am super tired. B-E-A-utiful day. Just not feeling the Christmas magic this year. It is not there. Don't really mean to be a Debbie downer. :/ 

Annnyyywwwaaayyy. There are good things about all this. I had some delicious mashed potatoes earlier. Took me 4 hours but I ended up eating half the bowl. Watched Up in the Air(LAME) and Star Trek (Dad's choice). 1/2 way through an interesting book. I think it might actually help me deal with some things. I didn't realized when I checked it out, but it is almost entirely about death. It might help me cope. Life works in mysterious ways. Anways.. I'm going to try to find a way to sleep or try to sleep... read a little if sleep doesn't come.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful time with family and friends (I am) and enjoying the Christmas season. Jesus loves you.

Can it?

Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Verse 2-

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang
Chorus-

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

-Foo Fighters, "Everlong"

As the Broken Rise.

It finally snowed. It's absolutely beautiful. How can someone believe that an giant explosion invented the complexity of the universe. Utter nonsense. A divine being created this gorgeous world we live in and we can him God.

Have you ever been in such a state of confusion you start withdrawing from everyday life? I strive to make meaning out of my actions and words, and yet it seems I always keep falling short of my goals. Life is life, you fall short and you make up for it- but there are time in which I feel completely and utterly stuck. Everything seems hazy, confusing, uniniting. I want so much and yet I don't know what I want at all.

Could you come close and hold my heart?

Make me your own? A beautiful daughter of the most holy one? A chosen lover of Christ that doesn't let anything get in her way?

Hold me through the tears and even hold me in the joyous times?

The coming of the snow seems to have woken something in me that has gotten me thinking. A drastic change. A blast of frosty, numbing air. A passion beyond any other. Passion is the perfect word. God pour out your undeniable passion on this city, on my heart. Show me your secret place. Awaken the revolution in me. Get rid of this disgusting person that desires the things of this world and wants what society wants. Let my heart break for the things that make your heart break. Pour the love.

Let me be the one that goes to the hospital and prays for those in need.

Let me be the one that is a listening, comopassionate ear for a broken heart.

Let me be the one that carries your cross even when no one else seems to want to take the responsibility.

Here I am Lord. Choose me.

Finding Joy.

Things are going marvelous. My class is amazing. Fundamentals of Counseling is my first 400 class, and I was really nervous at first, but I'm really excelling at it. I am researching like crazy, reading it all in... soaking it all up. It is difficult, but I really am passionate about helping people and the stuff we are learning is super duper interesting. Call me a nerd, I don't care, I love this class. I really feel for the first time, like I'm learning something valuable at Culver-Stockton. Sure, I had interesting classes where I learned stuff, but I really get this class. The teacher is great. He really knows his stuff and likes to expand our collective knowledge. He has a great style of teaching. I'm really bad to quizes and tests, but he changed the format so that people can excel through interviews and papers, rather than the monotonus tests. So happy! Time to go back for an hour! WOOO!

:)

"The only thing more impossible than staying, is leaving."

Impossibility is such a strong word. Whenever I hear it I want to challenge it, tell it I can do better... I can beat it. I hate when someone tells me that something is impossible. Nothing is impossible with God. Absolutely nothing.

It's not impossible to get over broken hearts. It's not impossible to move mountiains. It's not impossible to fufill your dreams.

So why aren't we doing any of this? I want, so desperately, to DO something to show people how much God loves them. But how am I suppose to show them how much God loves them, when I can't get my own heart in a condition suitable. I have been feeling pretty impossible lately, I know it will eventually pass... but when? how? How much longer to I have to feel in the pits of despair? How much longer will this overwhelming assault on my heart last before I finally break? Please God. Please. Help me through this. Send me some kind of answer tonight.

You Don't Have to Pick up Brokeness by Yourself

Thinks that having friends is a beautiful thing. I really needed to talk to people this week. And they were there. They are amazing people and God is using them and will continue to use them for beautiful, crazy things in his will. I was feeling horrible all night at work. The 5-11 shift seemed to never end, no one came in at all. And I get off and start crying uncontrollably... I didn't want my family to see because I feel like as the older sibling I really have to be a strong, good influence on them. Anyway... here I am in my room and I start chatting with a friend and it totally takes a load off. I don't know what I would do without my amazing friends. My girl friend gave me the best hug the other day and escorted me out of church and into her car so we could talk and then on to a movie. You gotta love friends.

And true friends at that. Especially this summer I've seen the fakest people ever. How can you live life like that? How is it fufillling in any way shape or form? Love is the movement people. Throw away your alcoholic beverages and illegal substances and start riding the biggest, neverending, amazing, best-decision-on-your-life high there is.

I am content right now. I wasn't. But now I am. For now. lol. Thank you friends. You know who you are.

:'(

So, I've had a perfectly lovely day until just a few minutes ago. I've gotten all A's on my finals- yay 4.0... I'm back visiting family and friends and wracking up a pretty decent paycheck. I got to visit my Grandma today, work, celebrate my brother and dad's birthdays. I made dinner for everyone, cleaned up, and then made a cheeseball for a friend and for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I have been planning this hangout/ talk/ figure out life time for weeks... but apparently he decides to change plans last minute. Going to hang out with a friend from school is apparently much more important than seeing a friend that lives 2 1/2 hours away for a few hours. Especially since you have shared a close personal bond with person since summer 2009 and recently just gone through a major catastrophe that they helped you with... and you haven't seen them for months... But, no... It's all right. Go ahead and go hang out with people you see every single say at school. No worries. I'll just be 2 1/2 hours away soon and you'll go back to pretending I don't exist because it's more convienient for you.
It's not like you already broke my heart or anything... nothing like that.

Why can't I just have a day... one day that works out? I can never just be happy apparently.

And I made a freakin' cheeseball for him. WHY do I CARE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It only ever leads to me getting hurt worse. And worse. And worse.
I HATE this.

Lamentations Regarding Trust and Love

Have you ever felt hurt wash over you? Envelop you in it's abyss? With no opening in which to escape from? I hate this feeling and it seems to be plauging my life a little to often lately. I love to love people. No really in a romantic way, I just am (by nature maybe?) a really caring person. When I get to know someone, I don't want them to just talk to me, I want to know about them- why they feel certain ways, their family background, why they view life how they do.... It helps me understand their point of view. But anyway... it seems like everytime I start to get to know someone well, they decide to hurt me. And not just a minor scratch or a surface blemish, a raging, deep, horrible, scarring wound. It hurts. It doesn't go away.

Am I doing something wrong in loving people? Am I loving the wrong way? With the wrong level of intensity? Or have I just had a rough line of people to love? We are suppose to love and yet I keep running into a wall. Oh life, in lamentation I ask you to explain to me why this keeps happening. A family member, a dear friend, a significant other... all near and dear to my heart and all of a sudden it all comes crashing down! I don't know if my heart can take another blow like this. It hurts too bad. How can I trust after these thing either? It seems to never last. Oh for a while, it is glorious. Beautiful. Intriguing. But life's horrible claws rip through the love's essence of being. why why why why why?

Rantings of the Heart

I know where I want to be. I can see the goal in the distance. The getting there part is so confusing though. I'm not really sure how all this is suppose to work out. Where is the line between Proverbs 4:23 and loving one another like Christ loved us. How am I suppose to protect myself, but love at the same time. I thought I needed time, but do I? Do I need interaction? I'm not really sure what I need right now, besides a lot of Jesus. I love that dude.

I don't really know if distracting myself from the pain is doing more good or bad right now. If I distract myself, I don't have to deal with it. School helps so much. I'll go and emerse myself in homework and projects, or hang with  friends, write music, or work. But, when I start having to actually deal with it, it hurts that much more. I thought I was strong enough, and then I'll break down. I just want all of it to go away. It's too much. He's being to confusing with the idiotic statuses that mean nothing and everything. People who love you, truly love you, don't do that to you. I though he did. He certainly acted like it. But something snapped when his brother died, something broke, and made it impossible for him to keep going. All of the crap fell out on me.

This continuation into a void of helplessness is not my style. I need to know how to feel... how to deal with this. How am I suppose to feel? Did you even have any morsel of respect for me or my feelings? You are being kinda shady about it now if you did. Stop being fake. Start being the man I know.... knew you to be.

Weighing Me Down

I feel like I'm drowning. Slowly deeper... The weight of everything just keeps pressing down on me. Finals start tomorrow and I have a huge presentation worth 200 points of my final grade tomorrow for advanced public speaking and I'm really nervous. I should be fine though. My grade is super awesome in that class... guess I have a knack for speaking publically or something ;). What I'm really worried about is abnormal psychology. I've gotten steady mediocre grades in that class all semester and I've been trying to pull the grade up to an A unsuccesfully. He let me turn in an extra credit project- so we'll see how far that goes. Worked on the mental health and legal systems with a case study examining John Hinckley Jr. He was behind the attempted assasination of Ronald Reagan. The dude was nuts. He had a super strange obssesion with Jodie Foster after watching the movie Taxi Driver. I've als studied hard core for this final. I've found a review  guide on the internet and have memorized the answers repeatedly to questions from chapter 11-15... so 200 psychology questions in all. That is quite an accomplishment if I may say so.

My body is paying for it. I've noticed that simple motor functioning tasks are not working so well today like speech and walking... but the walking thing isn't new. lol I've never been coordinated. I tried to talk to my friend on the phone earlier and form complete sentences after spending a day vigil in the library for 12 hours and I couldn't communicate effectively. He was confused. It was quite hilarious.

I'm eagerly anticipating tomorrow after the tests and presentations because maybe then I won't be such a wreck. I definately had a heart to heart today in the west conference center with some sisters. We were going through some rough things and just wanted to talk about it. And then I had to steal some paper towels because we looked like beautiful messes. You got to love life.

I'm still having an extremelly difficult time coping with my loss. I want to be able to just be okay, but I don't know how to do it. God I need you now more than ever going into a time of stress and then a time where I'm going home... I don't want to go back there. It's too close. Too hurtful. Everything reminds me of him. I want to snuggle up in your arms and you hold me through all this. This gaping wound won't heal fast... it's a strength thing. Please help me.

To my readers. I love you. And so does Jesus. So there. Nothing to worry about loves.

Seeing Beauty in the Broken

I've always been super caring even if it doesn't seem like it. I'm always thinking of people. I think God has given me the gift of seeing behind the mask that they wear. It hurts me to see broken people because I know what that is like. I've lived it. I'm living it. There is a light out there. His name is Jesus. Ya know... the thing is... that Jesus loves broken people. That's who he works with the most. It's at that vunerable, broken stage where we realize the only thing we really need is Jesus.

Today one of my professors talked about taking the knowledge we learned in class and applying it to life. "Be slow to judge, but quick to help and understand." It hit me really hard. I want to be that person that is always there, an ever-present ear if anyone ever needs it. The nature of the class was difficult. Both in subject matter and intensity. But with all of the interesting things he ever said, that one hit me the hardest. Sometimes you really don't know whats up with the way people are acting. That's why you have to be loving and compasionate.

Love fiercely. There really isn't anytime to hate in this world. There's enough of that already. So stop with the crap. Start seeing beauty in yourself, first of all, so you can see it in other people. Start a revolution. A love revolution. I dare you to start loving today. I promise it's the most terrifying thing you could ever do. Do it anyway.

Love you.

Gold Purified Through These Flames

Just when I think I'm strong enough I feel beaten down again. Right in that moment of triumph, it all comes rushing back again. Hitting me like a ton of bricks. Can't I be happy? It seems like I can never catch a break. Keep getting burned. Burned deeper. Burned harsher. Burned longer. And just when I'm really going to be ok, it happens again. Was it all worth it?

I just want everything to be ok, how it use to be. But it never will be. And that's a fact. You'll never be the same person. The person I love is now non-existant? Did you die in that river too?

I want to feel hatred. But I can't. It's not me. It doesn't fit. It's not welcome here. God is here. And where God is there is love.

The love is the only thing keeping me sane right now. Love never fails. Your love never fails Jesus. You reminded me of that in the beautiful sunset today. As I gazed through the autumnal trees into the light of the sky, I felt a peace that surpasses all human understanding. There is no greater love, no greater peace, no greater joy than what you have to offer me. I see your face in every sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say- You're Beautiful. Thank you for making me a beautiful in the broken person.

Beauty From Pain

I'm the one that see's your heart.
I saw your heart.
I love your heart.

I'm the one that knows your beauty.
It reflects from your eyes.
You've got so much love.

The wind blows hard against my window.
And all I want is to be with you.
Feel your warmth in the room.

The days pass.
The nights were amazingly long.
I hear a word.

You are broken.
You lean on me.
I love you more than ever.

Suddenly, it's not ok.
Nothing is right.
It's all chaos.

It's not ok.
It's not ok.
It's not ok.

My head is spinning.
There is undeniable pain.
It won't cease.

It never stops.
It's there tugging at my soul.
I want to steal your pain.

Your eyes are sad.
Confused.
Hurt.

Who are you?
Anger. Resentment.
I hate the pain.

Please let me take your pain. 
Please.
PLEASE.

You push me away.
It hurts.
Bad.

It wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't love.
Love never fails.
But you do.

You are different.
A different man.
You don't care?

And here I lie.
Beauty from ashes.
Gold purified through these flames.

God will bring beauty from pain.